Who I Am Inside

Look at me

You may think you see

Who I really am

But you'll never know me

Who is that man I see

Staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

This could sound off putting but this is a really big moment happening for all of us. There are so many things happening simultaneously side by side. You might feel lost because of having to deal with things you never knew existed. Extreme emotions leaving you feeling a sense of being so alone. First let me say to each one of you are having a very personal moment.

Designed for you. There are no coincidences. That's why you are reading this very post right now.

Huge miracles happening around us as we are beginning to heal.

The Vaccine that recently happened is huge. The prayers, the request, the longing for answers were all heard.

Whether you call it God, God Like or for me the Universe. It should be a comfort to know that what you believe does exist.

This is as important as the Christmas star that is actually going to appear this year on December the 21st for the first time in over 800 years.

A symbol of all that is revolving around everyone all the time.

A moment of Hope!

A sign that what you were looking for would let you know this is not over yet..... We move forward.

This is important to bring attention to and label so we can all remember and hold on to when there are difficult times ahead.

For myself I thought I was done for a moment writing my blog for this year, but that notion ended abruptly. As you can see here I am. This brings up a question that I am asked constantly. Whether it is someone I am meeting for the first time or it is someone reading my post.... always with a enthusiastic,

"Who Are You"!!!

I am pleased to share all of that after we have some traveling music.

When you are filling out a college entrance application say to Harvard for example.

A brilliant Ivy League school and all that entails. There will be the question right from the start that cuts to the chase.

I can assure I am not copying and pasting my response when I write this answer to the question, "Who Are You"?.

The real question is who is Rand Angel. I can easily do the laundry list items of accomplishments, travels, goals and goals in progress. But if I want you to listen or read as I continue, then it needs to explain what is under the hood so to speak.

Growing up, there were the usual things at least for me. Being Jewish Being Gay Being Weird

Being me.

Unless you are a Gay Jew that's creative and smart at least most of the time then it's hard to walk in my shoes.

Or in my case my heels. When I have done drag, shoes were important. Not only did they have to fit but, they had to be strong and almost have a steel insole. If you have tried running in a 6" heel and a 3" platform then you know.

Basically expensive and the jewish side of me which the public can relate is we tend to be great with money. I hate cliches but I am wanting you to see somewhat as to how I see things.

I am a natural comic. I love to laugh or at least turn something that can weigh you down in to smiles all around. My early years were always more about survival. Survival in the sense of being invisible in society, A trait that my Mother ingrained in me as far back as remembered.

When you have a history like hers escaping from concentration camps and hiding your name in fear of being killed than it makes a huge impression. There is the gay part of me that you carefully have to hide at times because yes even today there is still prejudice, racist and homophobia.

I am one of the lucky ones in that aspect as I am comfortable in my own skin.

I know what and who I am but it can be a challenge to know me. I am one of the luckiest people in the world coming from some of my past moments that when I think about that can be intimidating. I became an onion!!

There are so many layers to me that you have to peel off each layer one by one to get to know who I am underneath. Some of my stories can be off putting and almost too good to be true. That is never my intention. If I choose to know you or let you know me than I dont want to scare you, my readers away.

So I slowly let you know me as I share this and that with you. I never like to brag. I like for you to discover things about me and then let you brag about what I have done.

The biggest reason I wanted to write this log was to introduce you to myself. Wanted to share with you my personal joys that I have been given. Wanted to share the hard times and how I pushed thru them, An honest view of all that I am as a person.

An honest view of my reasons for life and living.

An honest view of Happy.

Happy is a choice. There are good days and not so good days like anyone else I imagine. I don't pretend to know the end all to everything. That would be the end to my existence at this time, in this vessel. That is my never ending personal story. A story that I never want to change the ending. No regrets!!!

There is a part of me that remains positive most times and anyone that meets me usually will see that it's real. The positive me is a lifelong attempt of wanting to try and see the solutions to life. And then when I can not see them because of being too sensitive to the answer. I ask for help in the sense of research. Talking with all walks of life. The answers always come when I have taking the road less traveled.

I also learned the positive trait from my positive Mother. The knowing that things will get to where I want them to be. You have to combine that with hope and faith. Faith in the process. Faith in knowing that there is a strong entity around us always working in our favor. Sometimes the vision can be blurry or the reasons are not what you wanted. None of the powers that be wish to harm you or us in any way.

Life is full of these answers. You have just got to ask in order to find out. The universe is ready when you are ready.

See!

I just can't help but return to what I know to be true. What I am is more than a series of words and thoughts. It is my belief, my hope, my desire to be a voice for that which is not seen.

I asked a long time ago. I still ask because the more I live, the more I am given.

This year without question has been a challenge all of us have had to live thru. There are some that have not made it so to speak. A huge list of souls that are being born again to get to where I am, of where you are and be able to show us how. Show us the lessons of living. I always refer back to my Mother, but this is my experience with her. In her case there were over 8,000,000 souls taken that I feel have come back over the years.

That does not discount the over 350,000 that have been a part of this year. A very close friend has stated to me more than once. People everywhere have been angry.

Its like you are having a great day. Everything is humming along. All of the things that you have written down either on paper or in your head got completed. A sense of Yes!! Then you are driving along and bam! Someone cuts you off in traffic or worse hits you and then without warning, ruins the entire day. Angry is actually a calm word here.

For myself, cussing on point became an art form when driving around Los Angeles. My imagination would run wild as I could see the person burning up alive in their car and not having anyway to get out alive. Severe? Somewhat but then again I am a writer, a story teller so there are always dramatic scenes.

This year has taught me many things. This year has forced me to get to know myself again.

A year of total recall of some of friends in the past. Along with that came forgiveness of putting myself thru some of the moments that caused me great personal pain.

A year of more understanding. More appreciation of the people that mean the world to me. More love for the ones that love me back. When this year started as it got more intense, the first thing I found myself wanting to do was try and take the burdens off of the people in my life. Be the voice for them. Be the coach for them. Be the calm in the storm for them.

A year of getting to know my many mentors that mentor me without them knowing that they have so much heart. I have been the mentor for them. Only because I have the experiences in some cases of knowing there is light at the end.

A year of personal conversations with myself almost daily to remind me of my many many gifts I have received in life. A constant manifestation of where I see myself receiving what I asked.

A manifestation of conversations yet to be spoken.

There would be those days that I felt like everything was closing in on me and then the realization that there were much larger problems than mine that needed answers. My experience of helping others helped me get back to positive. My Mantra!!

Just the simple truth. I am alive!!!

I can always restore anything I have lost but I can't restore the people that have left me, left this world. My sadness from all that goes away as I remember the many things they brought to me in my life.

My choice. My go to at all times. Happy.

So there you have it. A glimpse of Rand Angel. A child of the universe that is always growing. . Always changing. Always living. !!!

To leave this blog and return again. I am reminded of more christmas decorations. I would love christmas 365 days a year which is almost impossible. But the lessons of the holiday season for me stay with me. I am grateful that you guys got a sense of the holiday that I carry inside. If you have not then I am sure I have a spare string of Xmas lights, balls and a wreath to throw on it somewhere in my closet. In case you wondered, we don't do closets anymore. I am out as far as they come and then some.

I am no longer invisible. I am reflection of what I am inside.

Its Ok!!

For me it will always be Ok.

Please stay strong . Help is on the way. Thank you for reading my blog. This has been an honor to have you in my life. Have a great Holiday Season. Lets see what tomorrow brings for all of us. No more cranky. Only happy !!! Cheers

TIme for a little dancing on the way out. Hit It!!

December 22, 2020