The art of being Fearless and sometimes the label of Fierce!!

There have been times that I have been called fierce. I have to say I always look into the eyes of whomever has said that to me and I wonder. Are they being nice or have I somehow been their image of fearlessness? I am thinking maybe because of being so strong during the final days of my Moms passing left a lasting affect on them from my own actions.

There is a single question that is always been asked of me at different times. "How do you live without the people you love"?

This is something we have to figure out for ourselves.

There is no singular answer. It is personal and perfect for each and every person.

Well for me personally my answer "I really did not and do not want to know".

"I have no interest in figuring out how to stop feeling this sadness, this emptiness that is with me every single day".

I used to listen to others when they talked about their moms passing and they would say the same thing. "I think about it every day". In fact my mom had said this to me when i was in the middle of trying to figure out who I was as a person. You know that screaming horror of puberty.

"When there is no enemy within, then the outside enemy can do you no harm".

I am not wanting to be the sad end of a party where everyone has left. You look around the room and realize there is no one to say goodbye to as you leave. For myself I felt like the conqueror. I managed to make it thru an evening full of amazing people and not get plastered. Not even a hint of slurring sentences and promises made that I can't possibly fulfill.

Digression moments. These are needed to impose a theme to carry you thru the story. Thru the point I am making. I think in lateral thoughts. All coming and going. Circling around waiting to be spoken. I never wait for permission. It is just something I wanted to say.

You see "I believe in me". A strong statement but without a doubt I really do not need any other to believe in me. What I am saying is not anyone is going to have a say in the who I will become. It's up to me in the end to decide. The hardest obstacle is having to face my own doubts. But you see I got this feeling of knowing. Of knowing what ever path I decide to try. What ever dream I make into my own reality . Those are my steps to being fierce. My acts of fearlessness. This is something I wish for all of my loved ones . I wish them for everyone really. It just makes for a better journey along the way.

In order to live my dream I have had to fight for it. Those are the external doubts. The doubts from the people that don't believe in me. That don't think I deserve it. These are ones that say they believe in me but the very next sentences will be what can't be done.

The real battle is in myself. I have conquered for the most part of these thoughts that try to appear. "I am not good enough". "I am not worthy" " I want to give to those I love but I can't". These very sentences I have deleted from my vocabulary. If you give them one moment of thinking, it will start the spiral. You have to avoid those at any cost. Not to say they don't happen.

But the more you decide to stop them. The easier it becomes.

You can begin to direct your mind to work for you and not against you. It is really that simple. It is a decision. You and you alone have to make it. But once you do there is no turning back. You have to consistently tell yourself. You are worthy. You deserve it. You deserve it all.

You have to have goals. They have to be meaningful goals. The more thought you put into them, the greater the goal happening for you will become. They really are the ones that linger with you when you get ready for bed.

They are there when you wake up. You can tell they are happening because there will be the remembering of doing at least one thing everyday to move yourself forward. We all have had those but when they keep emerging in your thoughts in the form of that appeared for you as you came across this that made you think about that.

There would be this song or a place or something that reminded you of what you want to be as a person.

There is that heavy question

"What are you doing all this for".

Simple.... You are doing it for you.

For yourself!!

You can feel good enough from that response because you are good enough.

It requires a commitment. A daily commitment to work on you. It might seem foreign but its like writing. The more you do it the better you become.

For me it's not what I write about that's important cause It is all about what I want to say. You have to empower yourself. You have to set yourself up to win. There was this moment I was meeting someone that I had not really talked with before. I carry images around of things I want to achieve on my Iphone. This time I had the image of the Academy Award, "The Oscar: My friend noticed it right off the bat. He had never met anyone that just openly asked for it. "if you want to have something you have to ask and want it". It's not for everyone. It's for the ones that want it.

For me an accomplishment that I made a movie that I liked and others liked it too. Is that something I say to myself everytime I start to think about what I am wanting to show people. Of wanting to show them this very moment. Not at all. I create because I create. Is is my food for living. I never ask why. I only ask "Why Not".

The voices in my head will only work for me if I work for it first. I want to live a life of Strength. A life of Optimism.

You will know you are on the right track when you hear". I know I am going to do this". I know its going to happen for me". When you start hearing those repeated thoughts then you are on your way. Don't start doubting yourself when you read this by saying "I don't have that". Well could the answer be any more clear.

"Ask for it"... That's how it all starts. Once you do then the wheels start setting into place.

But I have to have these thoughts every day. If not then what"?

Ask!!

Ask for it!!

So back to being fierce. To living my life fearlessly. It is simple at least to me, I am confident.

When I was younger than I am now. I always wanted to date really beautiful men. I always asked for them.

There would be times they were not to be had, but after having lived a little more and looking back. My god the ones I dated were breathtaking. At least to me. But then isn't that really all that mattered. I had asked but each time there would be an expectation that would let me down. You see the issue was expecting instead of living each one. We all want to have each of those moments be like the time that was amazing. Here is where you change that thought. You want to have something even greater than that. These moments need to evolve. When you let go the expectation then it's Christmas every day.

Confidence is my seduction. It wins over anyone that spends time around me. Every person I meet that I want to get to know I find all their strengths. I look for them. Some need to be developed. But if they are there, I am patient. I know whats in there.

Confidence. Internal confidence is fierce. I am not governed by others opinions. They are their opinions. I just never hear them. I am not living my life for them. I am living for myself. Once i take care of me, then I can take care of others.

I realize I started my post on a somber note about my Mom. It is not about sadness but a form of sadness. It is all about remembering her strength. Her persisting nature. The sadness that never leaves me teaches me my resolve every day. My want for better. My want for what I want. I never forget. I never give up. Isn't that a life worthy of living? Do you feel me. That's my strength. It's been my pleasure to share it with you.

This post is written in honor of coming out day. I was one of those victims of a society that thought they were better than me. A victim of hate from my father. He was taught that hate. We are not born with it. This is a story of me deciding I wanted a better life for me. For my Mom as well. You see I know what it is liked to really loved unconditionally. And that is why I don't want to know what it is to live without my Mom.

I don't have to!

Period!!

Thank you for reading Live Live Live. I am thankful for the people around the world that read my posts. I am confident that it is moving you forward because that is what it is doing for me. Rand Angel. Peace!! Cheers!