There was an audition recently for one of the top future talents that I caught recently. As I listened to the performer I felt like I heard someone that went thru the moments I had to endure. The moments of joy of course and the reminder that life can flip on you at any time. We all think that is sad for them but at least it never happened to me. But when it is your moment. Like myself. Just Jump In!! We will get the rules later.
A little traveling music, please!!
The blog gave me a voice that I could share immediately and not have to wait for the whole publishing circus and agent pitches to everyone. I just wanted to not have to go thru a 1000 meetings and be told no anymore.
Now, I am not a negative downer type of person.
I blindly look at life like a happy musical where there is always the hope of new day, a better day or just another day.
I have had the success of writing full feature and selling them and writing again and again. I just wanted my own personal band aid to help me get back to me.
Like the singer in the audition, everything flipped over night when I became a 24/7 caregiver for my Mom. For the singer she had a record deal and going to publish.
Huge steps ahead.
For myself, having worked with some major directors and actors. Having got the most incredible agent. Plus I am liked in the industry which for the ones not knowing what that means. It is basically I bring a lot of experience and people skills that are needed when you work with talent. I have been able to maintain those relationships, even with my agent while I took off time to take care of my mother. But then again my agent being a true Mama's boy that also took care of his Mom. That established a life bond that I carry to this day.
Now that I have had a chance to process the twelve and some odd months I took on the task which by the way for me left me with the questions.
Did I do too much or not enough?
Did I handle it well or was I lacking in some way? The only way some of you could relate is having a baby. All of a sudden the world changes. You realize really quickly who and what matters in your life. Plus you become totally responsible for another life.
As with all of this going, you have really great days and some not so great.
Seque back to my points here. When you think of what if's I had not versus the what if I had then thats your story. This is mine.
The twelve years taught me the powers of believing.
The power of hope
The power of the dreams
To this day I write constantly. The meetings have returned. My agent is pitching me again. My actor, directors, and agent friends have all had their own flips in life, but we all landed.
Yes, the dreams scare the hell out of me, but it does not stop me for moving forward.
After watching the singer get back on her feet and perform so well. She is back.
A secret that we carry that are in the entertainment biz is we know talent. The larger our talent the larger talents we attract.
So after all that I am loving what I do. Loving who I am!
A moment to process.... lets move
And if that is not enough finally being diagnosed with stage 1 Autism. That explains so much.
This is the best gift. I can get rid of the myths because you know one and or getting to know me.
Not surprisingly, it is a lot to process. It means, in commonly used language, I am "on the spectrum". Or neurodiverse. A "different" thinker.
I am the man with no volume control sometimes who probably interrupted your conversation because a thought exploded from my head and immediately out of my mouth.
I am the one who is so brutally honest you might recall me as rude or as they politely say in Hollywood. "Refreshing".
Remember how I can get overly excited about fashion, face serums and keep going on about why people should never wear spanx....
My doctor said I was the oldest diagnosis he'd ever come across. But while many adults report feeling shocked and ashamed by a late autism diagnosis, I was not one of them. At least not yet.
My initial response was a mixture of empowerment and a head full of processing all my statements.
Since the diagnosis there have been moments of slowly reframing six decades of relationships, actions and behaviour through this new and alternative lens.
In the same way a prism disperses light into a rainbow, my understanding of how and why I behave the way I do is expanding. It is both revelational and even though can be considered unnerving. For me it'ss the opposite and it makes me laugh
At times I am also not entirely comfortable if anyone gets too physically close or "invades my body space". This discomfort is disguised by offering a handshake or a smile during an introduction rather than the awful increasing social tendency to hug or kiss. But I can be caught off guard.
Like a very close friend would pick me up and hug me and spin around the room. It actually helped me a lot. I do hug people more whether they want it or not.
I don't care about and am terrible at small talk, often an important part of getting to know people. But if the person was noticed as witty, intelligent and good looking then I jump right in to their world. Sometimes have been known to have such intense conversations with them that they often call me a mentor.
As someone who makes multiple lists daily, I'm also permanently worried things won't go as planned. I over-prepare and get stressed trying so much that after I have made my decisions on the day it goes well because it has been referred to by so many lists.
Afterwards, when the relief of performing whatever event, script or even a social gathering has worn off, I tend to withdraw at the earliest opportunity to decompress and lie down.
A lot of social interaction leaves me physically exhausted. Which explains after spending a day surrounded by so many people, I will not talk to anyone.
This diagnosis was discovered during the Pandemic.
The whole planet shutting down caused hairline cracks within my psyche to deepen. These cracks widened into chasms of heightened and uncontrollable sensitivities and emotions. I would have so many lengthy conversations over the phone and with Facetime. After my own study on myself and going over all the people I have known thru the years leads me to think they are Autistic at varying levels. If I personally know you this is not about you, it's all on me.
While researching intelligence, I discovered that – despite no proven link – genius was often associated with a form of autism known as Asperger's Syndrome. This contributes falsely to the notion that most geniuses are men since more men are diagnosed with Asperger's.
Family and friends have been incredibly supportive. No one was overly surprised. And that's why I love them.
My dreams have delivered and they still keep coming. Maybe I should get a writing pad after this and start a list.
After all I am quite good with them.
So there you have it. The video that inspired this post is next. That is how I create my stories, my scripts, my moments in the sun. It starts speaking to me so loudly that I have to get it on paper somehow, somewhere. The actors, directors, and fashion designers have had access to my thoughts for a long time. When I believe in someone, I stick with them until they are on their own journeys. As they move forward, I move forward.
Can You imagine the talks about all this. The very thought of this thrills me to the beyond.
I finally came out as the Autistic, Gay, Jewish writer and it feels incredible. With all of these labels, is it no wonder that I love designer. LOL. Cheers
Thanks for reading Live Live Live. Written by Rand Angel
Here we go!!
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