I Just Keep Going!!

You will always do your best

If you learn to never say never

You may be down, but you're not out

Don't give up and don't give in

Although it seems you never win

If things around you crumble

No, you don't have to stumble and fall

Keep pushing on and don't you look back

I know the storms and strife

Cloud up your outlook on life

Just think ahead and you'll be inspired

To reach higher and higher

We are going to go there.

We are not leaving any stone unturned.

We are not leaving anyone behind. Lets have some travelling music

It's not what happens that determines your mood but how you explain what happens that counts. How you invoke change and turn it all around. This can be done. If you recognize the energy leaving the room and start wondering why. Then stop wondering and make a clear decision. Decide you want to stop that moment. Take that last lap when you feel like you can't move one more step. Even the smallest step forward is you holding on to something that embraces you and telling you it will be OK.

I hear and use the hashtag #nevergiveup # nevergivein. Each time I get a second breath. I keep on going. It does not stop there. I have to share my affirmation with everyone around me. It is just too good to keep that to myself.

My Psychiatrist, when he would rarely speak his opinion to me cause our sessions were intended to make me realize the solutions on my own. My solutions to whatever issue I had been dealing with way too long. He Said' Just try one more time". "You have come this far." "You have the control of how you want all this to end yourself. This entire session was about the final stages of dealing with my abusive father. The Father that did not know how to love me.

I had given up on that pain for so long.

I had gotten past that need for good. What I was tasked to do was call my parents house and when my Dad said Hello and realize it was me on the line, he would say "Let me pass the phone to your Mother". What I did to change the script was to say, "Wait, Hold up. I want to ask you how you are". After not speaking to my father for almost 20 years my father was speechless. He said "What you want to know is how I am". "Yes", Mom can wait. That was the beginning of my taking control over his hate. Stopping the bleeding as they say. You see I did not want to let my Father have control over me anymore.

I would speak to him whenever I wanted.

I would follow him around the room if he was in front of me.

Even though I was told I was worthless. Was told I was trash. Was told I would never matter to anyone and thrown out of his house at 17 years of age.

I no longer believed it.

Even though I did not get but two years to continue my asking "How are you Dad?

Even though he was still talking about me to others when I was not in the room.

Even though he would tell them, "I don't have a son".

I never stopped. When I showed up, he would talk to me cause he knew I would not stop. What was happening here was even though he never loved his son, I had learned to love him.

Where I was in my life was finally making my life work for me. I was moving ahead. I suddenly kept going on, taking that next step. It was me not having to feel guilty after he had passed even though he gave up on me.

I never gave up on him.

The ironic part was I was there with the nurses after Dad had been put on Hospice care in his final days. He never told me up into the day he passed that he had Pancreatic Cancer and had made my Mom swear to keep it secret. I was actually told by the Hospice Nurse by accident the say before he passed. The nurse was shocked and could not understand why that had happened.

I even planned his funeral. We had a 15 piece Orchestra playing music from Gone with the WInd. My Grand Dad was Margaret Mitchell's lover that she actually wrote and had dedicated "Gone WIth the WInd" and it would be the only book she had published. My Dad was honored at the opening "The Road to Tara". a museum in Atlanta. It was really one of my Dads biggest moments in life.

Yes, we had a Hollywood Moment at that funeral. Pictures from that event blown up to the size of posters on Easels all around the stage that were flanked by 30 dozen long stemmed purple roses. My favorite rose.

I apologize with this long narrative but my point was to make clear about not giving up and making the decision to make the moment better.

The one thing my father never realized was that even though he never loved me, I loved myself more.

I loved myself more!!

With the mess this Pandemic has caused for so many. With all the norms that we are used to no longer a reality for us.

We have to take that next step and never give up. It is an emotional rollercoaster. For myself I have been the mentor for anyone that has asked for support.

I give everyone a pass because the feelings are intense. Even the strongest personalities have had their moments of weakness. I have to be the grown up in the room even though I wanted to hide sometimes

There is this one daily thought I carry. This will get better. I will survive all that has happened. I have had many experiences dealing with passing of the ones we knew. What we do is Carry On. I want to know that when I leave this planet. I will not have left anyone I know behind. I am here always.

No one deserves to be hated for just being born. I never did and do not today. I am my Mother's Son. A Jewish concentration camp survivor. We will continue.

Well I need a drink after all that. This was a lot to unload to you on and carry. What you need to know is it has made me who I am today. I have not one single regret. I would not change a thing. Otherwise what would we have to talk about?

My days are filled with smiles and laughter even if it is at myself.

I remain the eternal optimist.

I remain realistic.

The only way everything gets better and continues on is I take one more step every day.

Thank you for reading Live-Live-Live. This was a dream at one time to write to anyone who would read what i had written. It continues to be my steps forward. I used to worry that I would have a day when I would have writers block. There is no way that happens because I am living my true self.

Please take care. Please take one more step.

Rand Angel for Live-Live-Live